The weekly meeting was interesting. Scott bumped up against a wound in me that left me stung, stunned and struggling to keep my emotions in check throughout the meeting on Sunday.
It happened in the small group discussion at the beginning. We had an agreement. Since I tend to dominate - I told him I would not share in group unless he spoke first. So when they asked the question "How did your homework go this week...."
Scott piped up and said... "It went."
He looked at me. "Well, I mean we got through it, but it wasn't easy." He gave this exaggerated look like the entire ordeal was horrible. OUCH.
I later began to share about what we learned when we talked about time...
"Our definitions of Quality Time are different."
He interjects..."Yeah, we discovered there are not enough hours in the week for her."
I retorted, "That's not true."
The truth was, anger was bubbling under the surface a that moment. I went on and described the reaction I had to the first question from last week's homework and tried to ignore the fact that Scott's responses struck me as smug and insensitive. I felt they were painting me in a bad light. I overall felt we had a good week, with good progress - the homework was difficult, the discussions that we had about the deep things in our relationship had been really encouraging. I just couldn't understand why he said such harsh things about me in the group.
We watched the video about Anger... and how it is destructive if not handled appropriately.
I got in the car and with tears in my eyes asked Scott why it seems he never says anything kind about me in public. His response, "I don't know."
I ended up sharing the overall feeling I had that he just didn't like me.
He admitted he probably needs to weigh his words more carefully. We ended that conversation at least with an understanding of where each of us was on the subject.
I asked him before we entered the house - "When will we do our homework this week?"
He offered Wednesday. I accepted.
Wednesday came and I was concerned that we wouldn't do our homework because I was angry - and venting about it in a not-so-healthy way.
It stirred me up. I let him have it - both barrels. He shut down, shut me out. I started cleaning and cooking dinner - my emotions settled down and the sink overflowed. He had to be the plumber. He fixed it up good as new.
"Are we going to do our homework?"
He said, "Yes, we can, why?"
I said, "I figured you wouldn't want to since we had fought."
He got out his book - we shut off the television and began.
I guess the thing it brought out for me is I am still really angry about a lot of things. I'm hurting over it. And, as a result - I don't trust my husband.
When we finished, I asked: "What do you hear me telling you tonight?"
He said: "I have some work to do earning your trust."
"Are you willing to do it?"
"Yes, I need to."
Let the healing begin. It's a start. A rough start. I feel a bit like a novice bicycle rider trying to get my balance. We've fallen over a few times, but we keep getting back up and trying again.
It's been another difficult but productive week. Please continue to pray.